The Beckerman Blog

Halloween

2009-10-10T00:59:00.005-04:00

I must begin by saying that my mom is obsessed with facebook. Obsessed. Its my fault really, because I am the one who set up the account for her, so I really just need to suck it up hard and deal. One of the things that can get difficult with her facebook fixation is her strong ability to constantly post photos from my childhood and teen years that I pray will dissapear. Actually, thats a lie, because they are funny and give me reason to write a blog after six months of a dry spell. Okay, here we go.

Growing up, Halloween was always interesting. It reminds me a lot of the movie "Mean Girls". While all my friends would be dressed as Princesses and Kittycats, I would be a Rastafarian Gypsy wearing my great grandmothers glasses, a wig with dreds, and lipstick that looked like Ronald McDonald. My brother would be what looks to me like a Mexican Clown. Very PC. This was back in the day when you were allowed to wear your Halloween costume to school.

Exhibit A:

I also should mention that I have a really good memory, and the next photo is infact not from Halloween. It was slipped in with the Halloween pictures, but I promise you that it was taken on a Saturday morning at around 10 AM. My mom was out at Funky Fitness doing step aerobics in a thong unitard and my dad was probabaly busy organizing his coin collection in the basement, and I wanted to give them a good surprise when they got done with their leisurly weekend activities.

Exhibit B:

I wish it ended there. But it didn't. Good thing I had limited popularity because it would be a nightmare for me to re-live this over and over everytime I am on the can with only my senior yearbook to peruse. Phew.

Exhibit C:

I am not sure what exactly I was supposed to be, but I think I look like Meat Loaf...electrocuted.

Okay, the end.

Chef Beckerman

2009-04-02T23:01:00.004-04:00

I have really become quite the chef! Okay, okay...not exactly. What I mean is that I have learned to cook chicken. Honestly, I could happily live off a bowl of cereal and a frozen dinner, but my girlfriend has requested I "tune up" on two things before we tie da knot. One of the "things" is learning to cook, and then other is driving (a story for another day!!!).

Tonight, I made honey chicken. The ingredients are:

a frying pan, honey....and chicken!

Here is what it looked like:

(Note to self: it's a bad idea to leave chicken in the frying pan while going on the other room to check facebook)

It is rather lonely in my apartment because Steve isn't here. Steve has met a lovely Jersey Girl, and he is shacking up with her in New Jersey. He looks better than ever! He has lost some weight, gained some muscle, and doesn't spend alllllll day surfing x-tube and watching Cops. I am very proud of him...but I miss him.

Steve's lady friend is a petite (yet husky) dark skinned woman named Princess. She's got attitude and sass.

Response to the Sneeze

2009-04-01T14:39:00.004-04:00

For people who know me, it is fact that I enjoy talking and joking about sex....almost as much as I enjoy the act of doing so!

When my friend Debra Pasquella showed me several vlogs she posted on youtube that had footage of her and her loved ones sneezing, I was shocked with how many hits the videos got! I didn't really get it at first, but then Deb filled me in that there are some people that have a sneeze fetish. WHAT?

What would that personal ad look like? "SWM looking for a nice woman to settle down with who has chronic allergies, uses Puffs, and visits an Ear Nose and Throat doctor regularly"

So, my girlfriend and I went to a dinner party at Debra's house, and we started talking about the sneeze fetish, and the amout of hits her videos that incorperate sneezing get, and several glasses of wine later, Debra filmed my girlfriend and I making a video admitting our fetish for sneezing.

Yes, I believe that there are people in this world that have a sneeze fetish. (Well, until this week i was in denial) But, the video is obviously fake. We are laughing, being prompted, and my lady is a horrible actress (sorry sweetpea!). Take a look at it. Does it seem real to you? In any way? NO, of course not. I talk about meeting my girlfriend at a "sneeze convention". I made it up. The video is not sexy AT ALL. In fact, watching it creeps me out! (but it's still funny)

While I was sitting at my desk, here is what danced across my computer screen on March 30th @ 3PM:

HEY HOW ARE YOU MISS BECKERMAN ,SAW YOUR VIDEO ON YOU TUBE ABOUT THE SNEEZING FETISH AND SNEEZE CONVENTION AND HAVE TO SAY SNEEZING AROUSES ME ALSO AND LOOKING FOR A SNEEZE QUEEN.HEARD YOUR GIRLFRIEND MENTION A SNEEZING FETISH CONVENTION AND INTERESTED IN FINDING WHERE THEY HAVE THEM AND LIKE TO GOTO ONE.VERY BIG SNEEZE FETISHIST AND LOVE TO ATTEND A PARTY IF HAVE IN NEW YORK.FROM BROOKLYN AND LOVE TO KNOW WHERE THESE CONVENTIONS ARE AND WOULD TRAVEL TO ANOTHER STATE TO FIND A SNEEZING MATE.SORRY TO BOTHER YOU BUT WOULD APPRECIATE THE INFO ON THIS SUBJECT BECAUSE LOVE TO FIND A WOMEN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH THAT SNEEZES ALOT.

Before I even had a chance to even write this blog, it happened again:

HEY AMY VERY INTERESTED IN THE SNEEZING FETISH YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND ARE INTO AND HAVE TO AGREE GET VERY AROUSED ALSO BY IT AND TRYING TO FIND SOME OF THOSE SNEEZE FETISH CONVENTIONS YOU AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND WERE TALKING ABOUT ON YOU TUBE.WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE WHERE TO FIND THESE SNEEZE FETISH CONVENTIONS OR CLUBS WHEREEVER THEY MIGHT BE OR MEET.LIVE IN BROOKLYN NY AND WOULD LOVE TO FIND ONE IN NEW YORK SO I CAN FIND A NICE AVERAGE WOMEN WHO SNEEZES ALOT FOR LOVE AND MARRIAGE.SOPLEASE E-MAIL ME BACK WITH THIS IMPORTANT INFO ,WULD REALLY APPRECIATE THIS

The only person who may play a joke on me like this would be my father. However, his grammar would be better than this, even if he wasn't trying. Also, I don't think he would ever send anything to me with the word "aroused" in it. I'm just sayin'.

I had a nightmare last night that I was performing Dykes on Mics, and I was so excited because the room was filled with hundred of new fans! In the middle of my set, I couldn't even hear myself speak because everyone in the club was sneezing!!!

I will now leave so you have time to hide the black pepper before I come to your home and steal it.

With love,

The Sneeze Queen

Meet Ida

2009-03-22T20:58:00.000-04:00

Sneeze Fetish Girls

2009-03-22T20:39:00.003-04:00

My girlfriend and I hung out with the lovely Debra Pasquella and her wife last night, and we had an amazing time!!!

Here is the proof:

Excuses

2008-11-10T22:51:00.000-05:00

Oh hello. It's been awhile. Just like I did to get out of gym class in High School, I have lots of excuses. Except this time, I won't have to stay after school and make poster board spirit signs, clad with glitter, for the tennis team.

I am in a new relationship. Her name is Ann, but she goes by Wally. I usually refer to her as Ann because I don't anyone to think I feel off the homo bandwagon, yet again. She is 18 years older than me, and although the age difference may have been a concern at first, I totally have forgotten that she was probably shopping for her prom tux when I was shot out of my mothers vag.

She has changed my views on things. I usually hate PDA, but I am finally okay with it- I am able to hold her hand in public, give her a kiss on the cheek......because people probably just think I am being overly affectionate with my mother.

I feel like many people have been asking me my opinion on the election thinking I have something worthwhile to say, or a comedic twist, but I don't. In honor of the new president elect Obama, I ate a piece of chocolate cake.

feet

2008-09-16T12:02:00.000-04:00

I will begin with some important newz: DYKES ON MICS WILL BE PERFORMING AT WOMENS WEEK IN PROVINCETOWN!

http://www.ptownarthouse.com/

We have a new cartoon that the talented Becca Symczyk created for us! I like it for many reasons, but mostly because I look skinny.

Last night Dykes on Mics had our 2nd show at Stonewall Inn. If you want to see us, the show is every Monday night at 7 PM. Its free, and I hear there are great drink specials.

As many of you know, I adopted a cat from the mean streets of Brooklyn last Summer. His name is Steve. He's great, but does anyone know how I can help him kick his toenail biting habit?

Heres a photo of my girlfriend getting a pedicure.

After the show at Stonewall, I walked by a pet store, and there were some adorable dogs in the window. I barely remember to feed the cat and the bamboo plant, so I dont think a dog is a good idea for me now. Here is a photo of the puppies. They are probabaly from a puppy mill, and thats bad too.

THE END

Liberty Basketball and Gallstones

2008-09-10T11:44:00.001-04:00

Last weekend was very interesting and exciting, and it would be my pleasure to share it with all of you.

On Friday night, I did the gayest thing ever (and no, I don't mean strapping it on while watching Gia and eating having Melissa Etheridge playing softly in the background)I went to my first Liberty basketball game. It was also the first time I have been inside Madison Square Garden, which may seem a little crazy, considering I live a block away from the place!

It actually isn't too crazy because:

1)I am not a sports fan

2)I'm cheap(ish)

I actually didn't go to see the Liberty, I went to see a great musician, Christine Martucci, sing the national anthem. She sang. We clapped. I ate a twizzler. Then we watched the girls run around the court a few times, and then we left. I took one photo of the most dyke-acious player on the team. Enjoy.

After the game, I headed to Jersey to help my woman pack her apatment up because she is moving (I guess that would be the only reason to pack up an apartment)

It was my job to sort through her closet, which I figured would be easy because she is very organized and totally very "pottery barn" for a butch, but WOW...I found some interesting things!!! Here is my favorite:

I am not knockin the fact that she is saving the gallstones she had in 1994, however, I am not sure I would pack them up with christmas clingys and kids stuff, and picture frames. Although, the only things in the box I can see is a "weather alert" device and a floppy disk. Poor advertising.

My attempt at saving the environment

2008-08-12T22:51:00.000-04:00

Recently, I have felt an abundance of guilt about my neglect for the planet Earth. I don't actively recycle, and I will tell you why. I really don't feel like rinsing out plastic items, putting them in drugstore bags, and then having them hang off the end of my bathroom doorknob until I gained enough energy to walk to the recycle bins at the end of my hall.

In New York City, recycling is now the law. I guess they needed to find a way to scare me into separating Dannon yogurt containers and US Weeklies.

I did make a consious decision to make a change in my behavior to be "earth friendly". I have made the switch to the other side.....

thats right, OB TAMPONS.

Who needs an applicator anyway? Its over rated.

I thought it would be easy. I thought I would love the idea of being able to walk to the bathroom with the small bullet discretely in the palm of my hand, but I was wrong, and now I am sad

Theres nothing "earth friendly" about coming out of a bathroom and looking like you may have slaughtered a small poodle in the stall. I can't take it. As much as I love the environment and hate global warming, I may have to reclaim my love for Tampax Pearl. BR>

I was able to find one benefit to OB.....Its better than Halmark!

Rock that..Muffin Top

2008-08-06T12:04:00.000-04:00

Listen, I went to the Gap and I tried on the first pair of pants that I liked on the rack, and they fucking fit. JESUS CHRIST, give me a round of applause for that.

But I can't promise there is no muffin top.

Peace.

Lap Band Video Blog #2

2008-06-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

Notice the psycho cat.

Also notice how I happen to look down at something when spelling my name.

Lap Band Video Blog 1

2008-06-11T13:40:00.000-04:00

Here is my first video blog from a week before surgery. Don't worry, I promise I will get better with the technical stuff! Enjoy!

Surgery Update

2008-06-08T16:38:00.000-04:00

3 days post op, and I am doing well! I have 5 incisions on my stomach, and they don't hurt much. During surgery, they injected gas (not a fart) into me so its easier to navigate the utensils. Unfortunatly, this "gas" causes back and shoulder soreness, so I have been walking around with my hands on my hips like a pregnant woman in labor!

Surgery was fine. I walked into the operating room and was greeted by lots of people. They had a loud boombox going, and they asked me if I wanted to choose the station. Whats the point? I would be asleep in 5 minutes anyway! I told them they can enjoy their 90's rock! A few minutes later...I was out!

My rooomate was a 27 year old orthodox jew with 106 kids. She was on her phone most of the time speaking Yiddish and worrying about birthday parties and fathers day. At around 10 PM, I was about to go to sleep, but her mother and the 106 kids came to visit her. Kind of annoying! She kept telling me about the people in her "community" who have had great success with a lap band. Is she living in some escape ghetto? I asked her where the community was, and she said "Williamsburg, Brooklyn".

Here is a photo of me right before I left the hospital Friday Morning after surgery!

I came out to one of my aunts sort of recently, and wasn't so warm and fuzzy about it, so I didn't want to shock her so quickly with news of the surgery. My mother insisted I call her, so I did. Here is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi Auntie, I just wanted to let you know I had surgery yesterday. I am doing ok, my health is ok...and it was elective. Its something that will make me happier...."

Aunt: JESUS. DID YOU HAVE A SEX CHANGE?

Me: No, I don't want to get rid of it...Just want to be able to see it.

1.56 days until I look like Mary Kate...

2008-06-03T18:18:00.000-04:00

Well, not exactly. But Im sure you will catch me wearing a belted oversized Old Navy Tee because well....I'm not about to spend money on a new wardrobe every time I drop I size.

I can wait for the morning when I wake up, look in the mirror and say.....HOOOLY SHIIIIT. WHERE DID MY FACE GO????????

A lesbian can dream.

I have been on a strict liquid diet for 2 weeks, and I have discovered many things:

1. Slimfast makes your breath smell

2. Yes, it is possible to have a craving for a postage stamp.

3. Drinking an abundance of Slimfast makes your pee turn neon.

4. Not stopping for an egg and cheese on a bagel in the morning means that I get to work ON TIME.

5. If you are hungry enough, you may contemplate stealing food from the homeless. (I didn't do it, but it crossed my mind)

Heres another thing. Yes, I tend to have high expectations of people. If you work in an office, and a co-worker is having surgery in 2 days, here are 2 things that may piss them off.......

Don't say:

"Wow, I am really nervous for you. Aren't you nervous? Anesthesia isn't good. Sometimes, people die under anesthesia. I am so so worried for you. Are you nervous? You must be nervous a little"

YES...ITS ELECTIVE SURGERY...I AM ELECTING TO DO SOMETHING TO BETTER MY HEALTH! ITS NOT LIKE IM GOING DRUNK SKY DIVING, BITCH.

Oh....and secondly......"Thursday is the big day, huh? Well, be sure to call me and tell me how things went!!"

LAST TIME I CHECKED, ITS NOT A BALLET RECITAL!

Ok. I'm done. Now off to douche my apartment and give the cat a bath.

Its not even Yom Kipur, bitches!

2008-05-22T23:17:00.000-04:00

2 weeks from today, I will be laying on a metal table, naked and asleep. Nah, this isn't some freaky fetish...I am having lap band surgery. Essentially, I will have a little plastic band put around my upper stomach to limit the amt of food I can consume before I am full. I am excited and nervous!

Starting today, I am on a very strict diet until surgery day. I am only able to have slimfast, sugar free jello, 2 cups of plain veggies a day, and diet soda. The biggest issue that I never really thought about is that I can't have caffeine. Basically, I have a constant caffeine withdrawal headache, and I feel like I may steal old leftovers from the homeless. Is there such a thing as medicinal cocaine????

Here are some frequent questions I have been answering :

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? : I am fat, i dont want to get diabetes, lane bryant sucks, i would like to be able to run a marathon (even though I never will!!!), I would like to quit my job and be a stripper

HOW LONG IS THE RECOVERY?: I will go back to work and performing after 1 week.

HOW MUCH WEIGHT DO YOU WANT TO LOSE?: As much as I can.

ONCE YOUR THIN, WILL YOU DATE MEN?:That question makes a lot of sense....because, the less carbs I eat, the more dick I crave.

Dentist Troubles

2008-04-23T10:29:00.000-04:00

I have been to the Dentist 12 times since September.

Why?

Because I am cheap and go to a dental school.

For $200 a year, I can get unlimited dental work. What they failed to tell me when I signed up is that I will also have to mentor and counsel this Dentist-To-Be who will one day make more money each year than I will ever see in my lifetime.

He begged me to be his "patient" for his board exam, so I went. It was rough for him...I didn't think he was going to pass because it took him about 4 hrs to fill a cavity (he has ADD), but he passed!! I am proud of him!! Usually, he gently crys while he drills my mouth, but he didn't that time.

I also should mention that I am a terrible patient. Right before he gives me the novicane, I get really hyper and tell him strange things he (or anyone) probabaly doesn't ever want to know about me.

Well, last night I must have distracted him because he gives me the novicane, gets me all set up with this weird rubber dam (insert lesbian joke),gets the drill ready, looks at the x-rays and then he says...."HAHA OOPS! I GAVE YOU ANESTHESIA ON THE WRONG SIDE!!! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN BAD IF I DRILLED!!!!"

I've done a lot for him, and I'm sure he will be a great dentist one day......but PEACE OUT DOC.

VA Hospital Comedy!

2008-04-22T09:26:00.000-04:00

I had a Patch Adams moment this past weekend, minus the red nose (bad memories from my clown days!!!) and the fake sappiness.

I went to Queens with "5 Funny Females" to do a show at the St. Albans VA Hospital.

It was a great experience!! It was my first time performing for a front row of men who were asleep in their wheelchairs. There was a heckler...right as thre show began, he yelled "WHERE ARE THE GIRLS?!?!". Did he think we were all going to run on stage, tell a joke, and then rip our shirts off? He must have been dissapointed because he "fred flinstoned" his wheelchair out of the room!

After the show, we mingled with the men,and watched them eat stale cake.

Both of my grandfathers were Veterans and passed away in a VA Hospital. My grandfather on my dads side of the family lives in a VA Hospital for 20 years.

I think we have have brightened their day...even if we didn't take our tops off!

This photo sums up my life

2008-04-12T17:41:00.000-04:00

Google your mom

2008-04-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

I decided to google my mothers name, because thats what I do when I'm bored at work.

The only thing that came up (other than her myspace and facebook links) was a site called www.kidtips.com

Aparently, my mom submitted a quote to the author many years ago!

Here it is :

When my daughter was in Kindergarten (she is now in the second grade) she asked me one day, "Mommy, am I a following person?" "What is a following person?" I asked. "Well," she replied, "the teacher always says, 'Would the following people please line up,' and she calls my name.

- Randi Beckerman, Sharon, Massachusetts

Love you, Mom!!!!

The Dangerous Black Party for Boys

2008-04-03T10:10:00.000-04:00

For most people that know me, I have always opted for doing things outside the realm of normal. To be honest, it's not something I am typically proud of, but I just get bored with my everyday routine and I enjoy spicing things up. This past weekend, starting on Saturday, March 29th, 2008, I outdid myself. I performed at The Dangerous Black Party for Boys at Roseland Ballroom in Times Square.

When the director of the Black Party invited me to perform at the event, I didn't know what the party was all about, but I gladly accepted the part. Usually, I do my homework and research the organization putting the event on, but I didn't. Why? Because I need to pay for a pretty large health insurance bill (info to come another time), and I am up for a challenge. Essentially, the event is a leather party for Gay Men produced by an organization called Saint at Large that is held in the legendary Roseland Ballroom in Times Square. Over 3000 people from around the world attend the annual party in heavy leather attire, ready to cruise, party, and be shocked. At first, I was really confused at why they wanted a female comic to tell jokes about Weight Watchers and her addiction to Craigslist dating, but I soon realized that I wouldn't exactly be telling any jokes to these leather-clad boys.

A week before the party, I went to Roseland Ballroom to meet with the director. He explained that the theme of the party is based on a book called "The Dangerous Book for Boys" written by Conn Iggulden and Hal Iggulden. The book outlines everything boys need to know to "be a boy".

Essentially, he told me that I would be part of 2 scenes during the evening, and essentially would be the focus of the show. For the first scene, I would be playing a school teacher who is teaching the Boys how to behave in class. One of my "students" would be Jake Deckard, a very well known Adult Entertainment star. In the second scene, I will be playing a Pig that invades a camp site, and then gets slaughtered on stage.

He expressed that guests are paying around $140 for a ticket, and they want to see things they have never seen before. I can do that.

A few rehearsals and costume fittings later, it was show time.

I arrived at Roseland at 9:30 and was greeted by a zillion amazingly cute homos that would be taking care of me for the night. (I forget all their names, but I think there was a Jeremy and a Chad) I was taken down to the wardrobe and makeup room to get ready. I shared a dressing room with several go-go dancers who would be performing during the duration of the evening. They were busy doing last minute push-ups, air brushing ab muscles, and lubing themselves up. I learned some very important things in wardrobe, like: the cock ring isn't ONLY for decoration.

So, I was planning to post the whole blog that took me 3 days to write. However, I have changed my mind. If you want to read the "uncut" version, I would be happy to send it to you!

There were a lot of things happening at the party that I probably would have never witnessed if I did not participate in the event. Some of these things I hope to never see again. I feel like I have a better understanding of the BDSM community, and the connection individuals have with each other. I took a risk. I stepped outside my comfort zone, and I am so happy I did.And, I will probabaly do it again. I am honored to be given the chance to work with the amazing people I met last weekend. Black Party, thank you.

5 dollah billz, mom and facebook, facebook and mom

2008-03-07T09:37:00.001-05:00

Today is the first day of being 24, and I must day, the day has started off swell.

I walk to work the same way each morning. At around 8:51, I walk down 30th street to get to 8th avenue. Every single morning, I pass this hot Asian dogwalker with really muscular legs. However, the events that took place on my way to work was a little different this morning. First of all, I am wearing a new green shirt I bought at my birthday extravaganza...which consisted of some of my favorites :Lane Bryant, Old Navy, and Cosi.
The second reason is that I found a $5 bill on the corner of 29th and 8th. It was laying on the pavement. Hurt and needing some TLC. Sometimes I have to fight off bad guys on that corner, so I had to use some skill for this one. I hovered over that bill in a semi-squatting position so it was within the radial circumference of my personal space. I looked around, and bent down and picked up that bill. Then I went to starbucks. The end.

I was out celebrating my birthday last Saturday night with some friends, and somehow, at midnight, we ended up in a tattoo and piercing salon on St Marks Place. With a little convincing, I decided to let some burly man poke a hole in my face. Now I look like I have a little diamond crumb on my top lip. What made me do this? Probabaly the lack of alcohol.

I will ask thw wonderful singing sensation and role model, Amy Winehouse, to show my viewing audience what the piercing looks like.

Everything was great and dandy until I realized that MY MOTHER IS GOING TO KILL ME.

I broke the news to her over the phone about my new facial decoration, and it was bad news. I sent letters, texts, singing apology telegrams...but she wouldn't budge.

When I logged onto facebook, her status message was "I feel very disrespected and mad. GRRRR". I guess this was serious. I didn't know what to do, nothing was working.

But then a lightbulb went on in my head. I did what any sensible daughter would do...I send my mother a "free gift" on facebook. Now she is happy. THANK YOU FACEBOOK.

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!

2008-03-06T11:25:00.000-05:00

I am so excited today! Only 31 more years until I can get the Super Tuesday 5%Senior discount at TJ Max!!!! Discounted mumu's and beach cover-ups, Mmmmm,YEAH!!

It has been a good day so far! As usual, I was woken up by my cat Steve (aka Jaws) who likes to bite me when the alarm goes off. I have to cover every inch of skin with the blanket so he doesn't see any flesh and attack me!!! Steve is a great cat. I never understood why any family would want to give him away, and have him sit alone in a cage at the shelter waiting to be put to sleep, until a few months ago, when I was woken up in the middle of the night because my nipple was bleeding, and I look around to see that I am alone in my apartment with the cat. The next day, I ran out and bought myself wool pajamas and a down comforter! I shvitz, but at least I won't get assaulted by a damn housecat!!!!

So, Happy Birthday to me.

Clay Aiken on Broadway

2008-02-13T11:47:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my blog. Because I am getting old, my brain is shrinking, and I forget stuff. So really, this thing is for me, not you. However, it may be entertaining, so feel free to read it. Like most other projects that I start, don't be hoping for too much, too often. I don't want to exert myself.

Last Saturday, I went to see Spamalot! The show was okay, not amazing. People who like knights and swords may like it, though! HOWEVER, Clay Aiken was in the show, and he was great! After the performance, my friend Kaydee and I stood out in the rain waiting for him to exit the stage door. Much to my surprise, he has a close resemblance to Lindsay Lohan, with a bad haircut!